Where to start with this?  This blog entry is, I have a strong feeling, going to be one the more rambling ones.  Good luck following it.

Blizzard conditions first thing in the morning and not a lot motivation to get out of the bed.  I know that a good hard cycle will blow the cobwebs away, but when I’m trying to wake up and find a good reason even to go and put the coffee on, let along figuring whether I need a thermal layer or just a windproof jacket over the technical base layer .. everything seems to much.

Mother Duck is leaving for a weekend away with some friends so I need to be home early.  That’s enough of an excuse to take the car.  As soon I get in the car and see the traffic backed up 1.5 km, I already wish I was on the bike.  But then I can see the footpath is several inches deep in snow …

Embrace the chaos.

I’ve set myself a target that I am going to cycle the whole year through.  Every day.  Rain or shine.  260 days (about).  And this week I am 3 days down.   When I put it like that, I can clearly see I need to chillax about this, but I’ve set myself a target and I am fairly merciless towards myself on these things.  I’ve nearly forgiven myself for not going to the forest gym, my secret sanctuary, but that’s only because I can do a few sets of sit-ups and push-ups when I get home. Roll on spring time.

Using the car just feels for some reason like I’ve given up in defeat in the face of some silly soft stuff.  So now I’m trying to figure out why I give myself such a hard over these things.  Maybe it’s the Sheldon in me coming out.  Big Bang Theory, Series 5 episode 18, The Werewolf Transformation springs to mind.

Here’s the condensed part of the bit I’m thinking about.  It might be a “you had to be there” moment but .. my blog, my rules.

Penny: Oh, hey.  Sorry, Sheldon, I’ll move.

Sheldon: Eh, why?  My spot, your spot, what difference does it make?

Penny: Okay, what just happened?  Uh, sweetie, are you all right?

Sheldon: No, I’m not all right.  It’s been six days since I was supposed to get a haircut and nothing horrible has happened.

Penny: Okay, I’m sorry, I don’t understand.

Sheldon: Leonard, explain it to her.

Leonard: Oh, uh, he’s crazy.

Sheldon: I have spent my whole life trying to bring order to the universe by carefully planning every moment of every day.  But all my efforts, our dinner schedule, my pyjama rotation, my bowel movement spreadsheet, it’s clear now, I’ve been wasting my time.

Leonard: I think this could be good for you.  Maybe it’s time for you to shake things up a bit.

Sheldon: You’re right.  I should embrace the chaos.

Leonard: Great.  What are you going to do first?

Sheldon: I don’t know.  I could do anything.  All bets are off.  The world is my oyster.  I got it.  I’m going to put on my Tuesday pyjamas tonight.

(text from BigBangTrans)

So yeah, you had to be there … anyway, Sheldon has been living his life according to a strict set of rules, trying to keep the universe together.  I really get his confusion over what to do now the goal posts have changed.  It’s winter, I have snow tyres on the bike, it’s time for work, so my rules say that I get on my bike and cycle to work.

But it’s not just the cycling.  It’s keeping up the guitar practice so my finger tips don’t soften, so I can keep the timing and intonation.  The rock-climbing needs to be practised to keep good strength and agility.  It’s balancing the family accounts, making ends meet.  When I find myself doing something other than what I have set decided to do, it feels like part of my world is unravelling and that everything I do keep order in my own little place in the cosmos is futile.

Clearly I’ve a screw loose somewhere.

For many years now, with Mother Duck’s help, I’ve been trying work out what do with my A.S. quirks.  My capacity for being able to fix most things given the right tools is very welcome.  It brings me a sense of satisfaction and usefulness as well as saving money.  My capacity for not always understanding people and getting hung up on “but this is how things go” is pain in the ass.  If I plan to do something or go and see someone and then can’t, it really irks me.

As it was, the world didn’t end after driving to and from work.  Like Sheldon I found that if my plans and routines get broken, nothing (generally) terribly bad happens.  I’m still trying to work out what to do with that.  Maybe there is a middle ground, but if I step into it, is that not the start of the slippery slope to disorganisation and chaos?  Even though that’s more than likely rubbish, that’s how it seems to me.

What am I trying to achieve for myself?  I dunno .. at least just planning how to face the future in good physical and mental shape.

Regarding plans and the future, of the warding away the chaos; Jesus says “Mate, I know the plans I have for you.  I have plans to give you hope and a future.  I’ll look after you.”.

Yeah, but I wasn’t able to .. what if .. but I want ..

“Alex, it’s fine.  It’s great that you cycle.  It’s great that you practice your guitar.  But listen, don’t worry about tomorrow.  I’ve got your back.  I know about the plans I have for you.”

“Jesus, I’m so sorry I don’t trust you with my future, that I feel I have to hold things with an iron grip, in case all my hopes and dreams unravel like an old jumper and are lost forever.  I know I need to trust you more.  Will you help me with this?”

Is anyone else with me on this, or is it just me?

3 thoughts on “Weakness and defeat. The day I drove to work.

  1. avatar

    While I don’t have Aspies, I do suffer from seasonal depression and I can totally relate to this post. It seems like such an overwhelming inner battle to adjust to even the smallest of changes in plans. I find myself wishing to just say, “forget it!” And go back to bed. But just like you, I have Jesus. And aren’t we so blessed to know that during the rough times? You’re doing as best a job as you can…and Jesus is backing you all the way!

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