Up until about a year and half ago, I used to write prolifically on for this little blog and sometimes got kind feedback. It was humbling to see that my material has been read pretty much all over the world. And then my world turned upside-down.
Key parts of my identity were suddenly lost, which left me in some kind of emotional and spiritual tailspin. Sure I had things I wanted to write about .. but .. I just had no idea how to put my thoughts and feelings into words. I also struggled with the feeling of, “Even if could I put my thoughts into words – am I allowed?”. This was the key battle; falling prey to the lie that I no longer having anything of value to share here. What do I have to say to anyone that is of any worth? If I did try to say anything, would it have any credibility any more?
December 2016 saw me having to re-create myself from the ground up. Everything which had been normal to me for 17 years was now in the past. Sure, the ground had been shifting under my feet for quite a time before that, but the first week of December was the week it all changed forever.
Something I have realised, is that something in me had died during the later part of 2015 and into 2016. Those who read this blog may remember I wrote about being diagnosed with depression in the spring of 2016. I’ll not say what it was that I think died, it’s enough for you to know that I have spotted it and I am dealing with it. In a way though, this, and that lie took my desire to write.
Every time an idea comes to mind which I want to explore, I give it title draft out a few initial thought and then somehow run out of steam.. There is a shocking amount of drafts I really would need to finish off and publish! The question always boils back to, .. I dunno .. something ..
Back to basics
The starting point to my trying to start writing again came from this blog post: http://www.becomingminimalist.com/15-reasons-i-think-you-should-blog. Point 2 helped to disarm the lie that I have nothing to say any more. I realised that I probably have more now than ever to say. Most of the other points struck home too.
Why did I start writing this blog?
Well, it did scratch the technical itch of running my own hobby server, but also I really did believe for one reason or another that I had something to worthwhile to say. Maybe an arrogant thought for sure, but over time I got good feedback from people. By sharing my own shaky journey, and how I saw God popping up at unexpected times, other people seemed to be helped somehow. So I kept writing. I decided .. I decided that maybe I could change the world. Not at a country or city level, but at a person to person level. In a, “Here is my journey. This is what I learned. Can it help you?” kind of way.
And then stuff happened, and something died in me.
I gave up on hope, and gave up on the thought that I had anything any more to offer.
And then a nearly a year later I read that blog I just mentioned.
So I decided to try to pick myself up, and start to put words together again.
What I don’t want this to blog to be is merely me bearing my wounds in public. Rather the message I hope send is that, life is hard sometimes but it doesn’t stop me believing in God. Neither does it stop me seeing God looking out for me.
The content of the blog will be all over place. This is I can guarantee. The thoughts will ramble. They will sometimes not mention God at all. They might be sometimes the work of a word-smith struggling to express something he feels in a clumsy and disjointed fashion.
At the end of the day, I guess I just want to share my “Aha!” moments with you …